blaze rabbit

stressed

2008-06-03T09:45:00.002+08:00

been rather overstressed recently, so much pressure from training, people to people relations and been trying my best to spend all my energy, not a good choice actually, i end up being more tired than expected, then i go into silent mode... lol.

i only wish for the energy to smile when i see you around.

moving on

2008-05-08T01:09:00.003+08:00

i've decided to move to a new blog, time to keep this shadowy past behind, for good. =)

interested and people with no evil intentions can visit it at http://keep-the-beat-up.blogspot.com/

statement of absence

2007-10-31T23:37:00.000+08:00

been quite hapy recently, plenty of things happening, and new found discoveries, will update and change the skin of this blog once i'm ready. =)

2007-08-20T20:13:00.000+08:00

haiz, i'm worried sick. can someone ask me why?

its because i think i failed the first paper which will mean i might have to retake the module. no one understands the worry i hold in me. two more papers left.

done with

2007-08-12T01:41:00.000+08:00

entrepreneurship day is over! there is no happier moment than this!

and now on to mugging. which is kinda sad. what an irony. i'm still missing my phone. shucks.

gilbert wong

2007-08-08T00:33:00.000+08:00

when it comes to judging people, i'm always claming to be the best, and judging them as though i'm the king, but when the light of truth shines, i'm just as ugly as the one i judge on.

i'm selfish, filled with hatred, vain, proud, scheming, bad tempered, stubborn, violent, rude, inconsiderate, petty, ungrateful, sensitive, hypocritical, vengeful, pessimist, too trusting of others, ignorant to the people who care for me and assume that no one cares about me.

there are more flaws in me that i might not see, it takes more than one person to note your flaws, i am often blinded by anger and kept in a state of self. this has lead to so much discomfort with my present life, and so much unhappiness with the people around me.

if i could press the reset button to life, i would have pressed it a few times too many. when i can truly clear the thoughts in my mind, the headache will fade away and my heart will be lighter.

2007-08-04T09:02:00.000+08:00

looking through some old posts, i realise its time to remove some of the invited users, some are just stationery people that link to my blog for the sake of linking. -_- if you wish to remain being linked, remember to tag a post.

so damn irritated by josie, there isn't a more sarcastic and superficial girl like her, its people like her that give a bad name to girls. she calls herself harsh, when in fact, its sarcasm, and if she knows its harsh, why can't she control herself? sickening.

the only project left is entrepreneuship, hope i get over it soon. the suckiest sem ever.

life sucks

2007-07-27T19:09:00.000+08:00

if only everyone knew what it was like to be an online student. everytime see fiza ard makes me really excited, coz i know there is someone around that know how it feels.

dunno why i'm feeling so emo now. so unlike me la. (i'm not emotional most of the time, really)

if only there was a way to appreciate karma and see how it works, 450 bucks is not a small sum, and i don't think i can take the loss of that. well, maybe i can, but its just going to take so long to get over it.

napfa for the class girls today, jia hui came in first and jamie was second, turns out things aren't what they seem.

hope that there would be something to make me happy right now.

the longest month

2007-07-27T19:00:00.000+08:00

what a sucky way to get connned, by some freaking nigerians who only want more money. Bloody hell.

the longest week ever

2007-07-22T00:59:00.000+08:00

another disastrous week has passed, just a few keywords, since its really long. the longest week every passed.

josie, betrayal, reassurance, free rider, communications, ICA entrep,investments, CRM, CMFI, sensitive, paranoid, just need a break, dinners, desmonds, blood, cough, trust, blog, fiza, rosnani, nurul, fishcake, smoking alley, burning revelations, bad mouthing, behind backs, thai fashion show, relatives, beverly, handphone bills, tony peters, N73 music edition, karma

if you see your name there, you probably did something that made it better or worse, lol. hope you guys had fun. only a few people invited to this blog, but it is a form of encouragement everytime i see people tag. *hint hint

on a super random note ** its been super long since i saw you, you even skipped classes that we'll get to see each other, i miss that orange shirt and the constant dinners out together, i never blame you for neglecting me, because you're still my favourite "brother" geddit? lol. good to see you're doing well too nigga, we shouldn't distance ourselves for such a long time anymore. lols, and don't think because you're a girl, means i will treat you ok.

also, mei, its been close to 1 year since our split, has things changed for you? are the situations the same? has there been times when you still have cravings for sushi? things have gotten much more quiet around, i still have a piece of you in me. =)

delayed plans

2007-07-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

plans for the new phone has to be delayed after a shortage in pay brings shock to gilbert.

what was an expected 300++ appeared to be around 100++ only, hence, to get my new phone, i would have to starve and save for two more months. unless any kind and rich and loaded soul(s) would like to join together to get me one for my birthday, the possibilities of getting it earlier is slim, arrgh, the tortures of "wants". it might just about arrive when i've finished my exams. thats bad.

back to more terrible news, all the projects are piling up now and its gonna be a very stressful weekend for me, but at least it will start with transformers at 2pm. good luck to people out there, i still love you girls, and to the people who have just graduated, hope to see you again.

my new phone (in the making)

2007-07-03T00:58:00.000+08:00

ever since the previous post, the number of female taggers has increased, i guess i was kinda rude huh. that being said, there really are people who have no manners, and its NOT JUST GIRLS, so, to be fair, there's the proof that guys can be chauvinist. all this judging has made me realise that one person that we commonly don't judge first, is ourselves.

ok, maybe not judge, but more of self-reflect, nowadays, i try to stop people from bad mouthing others, ever since the xiang yao incident caused a furor, its because, there really is a thing called karma, whether you believe or not, there is an energy force out there that dishes out retribution to the ones who spit in your food, who badmouth behind your back, who believe that you're the worse person in the world or just simply ignore you because you're fat, its not a sin to be either of the above or be different from the others, (except being gay), everyone deserves a chance to live and lead the life you want, its all a matter of choice.

lol. that sounded a little too inspirational for my own good. i should just stick with: "don't worry, you're doing good."

a shout out to some lucky fella who lost his wallet at a tennis court and bought my dream phone N73 music edition and just found his wallet on monday morning. lucky fella, and he happens to be none other than my lookalike, desmond soo. i love that phone la. its just so beautiful, gonna make it my next phone.

well, kinda late now, gotta get back to endless projects, glad to see fiza around today with nurul. lol. reminded me of msc days again.

and the list goes on.

2007-06-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

what a sucky day, some bitch, BITCH, BITCH ruined my day by being herself, i was sitting at the computer, helping my friend along the way as we had to compile our work, i wasn't using the computer, but my role was quite important, then that bitch stopped my train of thought by being uber rude la. "Are you using this com?", I said no, the bitch said: "Then?" and looked at me like i'm supposed to get lost.

i recognise that bitch by her face, coz the sad thing is, i remember ugly people's faces, its the beautiful ones that will slip my mind, because i see too many in a day. lol. Point is, this bitch is gonna get it from me, i made sure her friends heard: "That stupid bitch!" If i were any meaner, i would smack her face to the ground and kick her hard la, I can't stand people without manners, WHERE THE F**K DID THE PLEASE AND THANK YOU GO TO? maybe god should just press the restart button, and programs us with something with more sense.

then project meeting with jia hui is just the best, she is the best team mate i can ever find, the best of being the worse. all her criticisms on our idea is bringing our morale down and its not productive. not productive, not productive, not productive, not productive. you get the point. i'm gonna make use of my peer evaluation powers, because some little birdie told me that even if you don't mark her down, she definately will.

lastly, as a disclaimer, not all girls can be bitches like the one above, it is just absurdly rubbish if someone says they have no manners coz their parents never taught them, its is an excuse that is lame as shit. she is probably just one in the few million that have a bad gene in her. grrrr. i wish to get my revenge, but another dude tells me to let karma flow naturally. don't force it.

updates people.

2007-06-19T00:54:00.000+08:00

jia hui is already commenting on my work, when she is not doing my share of the work, and sometimes, even when she has not completed it yet, and you know what? her design for the entrepreneurship logo is a duplicate of mine and siew feng's. flop.

hmm.... had some discussion with han quan just now about me being petty and short tempered, he says it irritated him when i got all angry when he made a button lost during eldc days, i kinda forgot about it fully, but there was some brief memory.

its kinda shameful to remember that i was someone so hated in the past and being short tempered is not good at all, its like walking on fire everytime. no wonder some people stopped talking to me. haha.. i wonder what would happen if i hadn't changed before i mey fiza, lol, we would probably be quarelling for real. she promised a day to go shopping. hope FIZA REMEMBERS TO ASK ME TO GO SHOPPING!

selling myself tonight

2007-06-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

i'm selling myself to the highest bidder. the reward? a night of company from yours truly. just company.

i don't care about father's day

2007-06-09T07:59:00.000+08:00

some father i have, he's even more sensitive than me and such an emo baby, he fell down while taking a bus yesterday, told me about it, and naturally, i asked what he wanted me to say. i don't wish to follow his footsteps even if he is my father.

when shit happens to me, he tells me i'm old enough to take care of myself, and that i should know what to do, i'm trying to apply the same concept and this is what i get. i get scolded for not being "filial" when i said: "what do you expect me to say?"

i told him he is old enough to know what to do when he falls down, i never expected him to be so sensitive and misunderstand my point. i just want people to be more independant, even i am trying to achieve that. if everyone was dependant on someone else, the civilisation we have now would be non-existent.

its not that hard to understand me. you just need to ask, the characteristic of him is to ask as little and act "cool" by not saying anything, and when i ask him something, he gives this fucked up face and doesn't answer most of the time, when i ask him again to get an answer, he shouts and tells me to shut up. what an oddball.

it came to the point that i didn't want to hang around house anymore, there is nothing left for me to hang around here, no siblings that are understanding, everyone is selfish, even me, but its because of the environment i'm in. no parents that care and take the initiative to listen, we need to strive to get their attention like its a sick race for something non-existent. i hate my family, its always an emotional rollercoaster ride and they can be nice to you for one moment and terrible the next. this isn't the family i have in mind. it just seems so dysfunctional in everyway. i literally walked out of the house when the matter blew up last night and went to a few floors in the block. the place i found most comforting is the highest level, the view is so clear and things seem so beautiful, much like a different kind of world when i looked at it.

a goal in mind, is to leave this hellhole as soon as possible, i'm going to need to find a place to rent. so much for happy father's day.

whats wrong and whats right

2007-06-03T19:42:00.000+08:00

when you've come to peace with yourself, you know that there is something wrong, because you have yet to reach perfection. when you stop trying, that is when you really give up. totally.

its getting very lonely now.

2007-05-31T23:20:00.000+08:00

mum, i feel so lonely. where are you now?

bored to death

2007-05-29T01:08:00.000+08:00

here i am, writing this entry, because i'm not able to sleep, and finding people online to chat with, i think it becomes too much of a disturbance after a while, can i help it if i'm bored yet unable to sleep?

i see her online, but, its now so hard to get a conversation with her, she has left her heart in cambodia. the other one is sleeping now, and i feel that there might not be anyone to talk heart to heart with.

although i complain a lot about my dad, i know he still cares for me, i really do, but i just don't like the way he is expressing it. it becomes very monotonic after a long time. he becomes predictable, you become predictable, i love surprises, and its the only reason why i'm so hyperactive and everychanging, change the people i hang with everynow and then, change my looks. everything changes in my life, but when something doesn't, i get bored of it, and being the spoilt brat called me, i discard that part of life.

i long for someone who really understands me, someone who can predict my moves, someone who knows why i do the things i do, when i don't say anything. i know who it is at the moment, but she's asleep, so, i've only got this blog to turn to. hope things will keep changing.

anger

2007-05-20T00:37:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to nurul, me and fiza got her a gift which wasn't ordinary, a light bulb to symbolise her bringing light to our lives, a diamond to symbolise her toughness to life, a peach flavoured mint because she takes our breath away, and a chocolate which says we love her, there are also book vouchers and a music voucher which she can do some quality time shopping on. hope she likes it.

just had a quarrel with dad, sometimes the things he says can seem so childish, i put it aside and move on, but not today, because he has complained to me for far too long, i know its my mistake for repeating one more semester at nyp, and i'm still blaming myself for the choices i make, but he, says it everyday, and when we got the bill for school fees, he said it as though i wanted it, was he trying to say i should just give up when i didn't do well? i knew i should have done better, but its alrady been done, why harp on it? will it make sense? then i ask: why must you say things like that, you must make me feel bad right?

and the answer i got was, yes, waste my money like that, i was not going to go easy this time, he may have been my only parent left, but that doesn't mean i'll be pushed over so easily. then, i tripped over this box that sis left near by table, i kicked it into her room, i was very angry and hurt at the same time, my dad hurts his mother, and now, the same thing happens to him, i was vent on hurting him the way he hurt grands, i could no longer stand this family of hatred and selfishness. if i was not to be respected after all the trying, i will force it out of him. he said: you think you're the only one who has a temper? i told him, you are the one who thinks that way.

for that moment, i felt my heart missing and my soul absent, it was something i haven't done in a long time. but it made me realise my iron cage was firmly locked, i was not ready to be freed.

loving it

2007-05-18T00:07:00.000+08:00

i'm loving how fate tips the scale in balance. i felt that my studies was going down the drain with all the projects and it ws getting harder to absorb what was being said during lessons.

just when i thought that entrep is going to be a disaster, it isn't! my idea proved to be ok after all.

hmmmm... randomly, i saw the fragility of life recently, grandpa was out of operation, but was very weak now, grandma has aged a lot in her spirit and is still facing issues with dad,

and recently, i went back to my primary school to see mdm teo aka zhang lao shi. i was so relieved to see her, and being able to talk to her on an equal level, i wanted to ask for her age, when i realised she has left as quick as she arrived. i have got to go back again. you could say i owe my education to her.

i've got some news, wonder if its good, mediacorp just mailed me yesterday, it was regarding an internship at their studios. should i go? hmm... hope its fun.

the awaited

2007-05-14T00:27:00.001+08:00

title: the awaited
i'm listening to: lament (from evita) - madonna

the lucky 7 who went to genting was a great time for me to know the people well. we had a lot of fun.

we went to theme parks and more fun was produced.

we took the pirate ship, which scared the shit out of me.

and some tea cups which spun non-stop.

had our breakfast at a very unique noodle shop. with pinky of course.

then took photos with 7 of us inside.

sit the ferris wheel with two babes.

relived our childhood. (don't mind that pose of mine, its a signature move of mine.)

then we played truth or dare with pinky trying to scare us. (like thats going to work)

and when the trip was over, i realised i left my heart over there, i love genting.

on a lighter note, i haven't been able to update my blog recently because i've been quite busy, or rather, distracted. school has started, i'm joining qiu yan, aminah, han quan and desmond soo in their FC class, i love school, but, i don't like being treated as an online student, the whole class will just become quiet when you enter, the need to ask around to get into the group for projects.

the class, is just so quiet. three weeks passed, i met many friends, but, i can't help but feel that something is missing. its just different, i want to have lunch with fiza and nurulll, but, the timetable is kinda f* up.

i want to go gym, but the feel is not there.

i don't wish to dine alone or go home immediately after school.

i'm feeling so bored, its making me lose my temper sometimes.

tsk tsk tsk, well, at least i got my nokia 6300 now, a sport shoe, and almost everything i need, the only thing left is to save up money to get an investment worth 5000, roy talked me into one. lol. if anyone sees me in school, don't hesitate to give me a wave. i'm serious. you know who you are.

among the clouds

2007-04-21T09:48:00.000+08:00

title:among the clouds

i'm listening to: namie amuro - come

i'll be off towards genting tomorrow morning, got a lot of thing to prepare, need to pack bags and get some amulets for blessings. prolly won't be blogging while i'm there.

also have to watch a movie with the sec sch mates, we need to catch up, did some personal accounting for myself, and a realised i spent way too much. its not healthy.

*mei, where is the love we had, i feel like you're distancing me, is it because you're busy? even though you're busy, you never fail to engage in a conversation with me. i was your confidante, am i still the one you seek? so many questions, no one to answer it. i hope we can still talk to each other like before, i don't want hatred and darkness to divide us. i really don't.

off we go!!

2007-04-17T23:06:00.000+08:00

title: off we go!!
i'm listening to: akon - i wanna love you (clean)

life is picking up, recently, edge @ bugis just closed down to make way for a food court, and i managed to get a lot of shopping done before it closes. and i got a new phone, but i don't really like it, so i'll sell it tmr.

my passport has also been updated, so i can go to genting, i'll be going with jessica, xiangting, xueli, yi rong, meng siang, ban and myself, the last time i went to genting, it was almost three years ago, i went with the network marketing company, but now, its gonna be super fun, the feeling of space shot, is replaying itself again and again in my mind. i'll miss blogging here.

today just came back from shopping with jessica and xueli, recently, we have been doing a lot of shopping, and meet ups. and i changed phone because i felt that the n70 was going to break down, but i'm having trouble to decide on what phone to get next. can someone help me? the nokia 6233?

the nokia 6300?

or just a simple nokia 3660?

in any case, i'll be having a new phone tomorrow. and off to genting this sunday morning, please tell me how you feel dear people. thanks.

my brush with death..

2007-04-10T00:00:00.000+08:00

title: my brush with death

i'm listening to: jamiroquai - electric mistress

this week, was a very eventful one, but it was kinda deadly as well, i shall just backtrack, this morning, i was having an allergic reaction and swelled up in all possible places (yes, in all places), i was also having difficulty breathing and had to call up my uncle, who gave me a shot and some medicine to lower the swelling, itchiness and i had to breathe ventolin through grandpa's gas mask, it was supposed to help my lungs.

uncle said that i was lucky because in serious cases, i would normally die in 5 minutes, die sleeping. ouch, that was about as close to death as i would go, there were times when i couldn't breathe, but i tried holding my breath, dad panicked too and didn't know what to do but give me money to the hospital.

the reaction was due to an allergy to some stuff, suspects include the softshell crab from yesterday, mosquito bite in brother's infested toilet, the ramen from ajisen ramen, jessica had constipation today from the ramen, so i still feel its the ramen. in anycase, things are much better now.

yesterday i was out with phoebe to go shopping for inspiration, and ended up buying some stuff, the trip made me sure of what i need to buy for the last semester, i really feel, this semester is kinda boring and heavy, i don't really know the juniors that well after all, not as close as blessann and jessica of course, we met them by chance yesterday at bugis after my opera performance, i was helping out opera for two days and was given a chance to perform again in june, stay tuned yea.

saturday was spent like a normal day, with jin jun and chee huat, shopping for the lunar new year (we know its early. lol) there were many designer clothes that were selling at quite a low price, we also got our first burberry shirt, all in different colours. burnt a hole in our pockets, but worth it. then friday and thursday was cool, i met up with jessica and we went shopping ard, then blessann invited us over to her house, and darren was brought along too, we were at this store in amk that sold liquor for super dirt cheap prices, and we bought it first, we were determined to get drunk, but i had a headache on our way there, coz the bus is bumpy. then i spent good friday at bless's house, and the night before, we shared secrets about ourselves, she is prolly the only person next to jessica that knows to much about me, i guess its because they shared a lot about themselves too, and something that bless said made me think hard. she asked me what was my need to dress up so well at home, and when i looked back at her and her family, although they are like super uber loaded, they dress normally at home, her dad and mum dresses super normally when they go to boutiques like lv, prada and gucci, and its in slippers, then she said, usually, some, rich people won't feel the need to dress up so well, you know you're rich and thats good enough, its usually the not too well off people who dress up and act rich, and i guess, it does make me realise, yea, i do that too. so superficial la, but i must confess, i'm not "not too well off" i save and so does my parents. its just simple living is theri cup of tea.

then the whole week before that was a blur because pete and i were helping out with the singapore fashion festival, runway coordinators, yea!! its was great to be back with all the models and seeing all the wonderful clothes on body perfect models, i can't wait for the next festival, i heard i'll be getting a promotion.

online registration is on this thursday 12th april, i dunno which class to join, FC? BL?AC? SB? i was recommended to go to the financial class, but i'm really not very close with that class, its like so divided, well, the consolation is qiu yan is there and desmond soo too, and janet. ha.. kinda tired now, just taken the medicine, it causes drowiness, so i gotta go, take care people, in case of allergy, go to the nearest hospital asap.

the irony

2007-04-04T00:53:00.000+08:00

i guess, i really can't trust you with my happiness then,

your idea of fun is to entertain others while using me,

am i worth nothing to you?

it certainly seems that way,

i HATE to be taken for granted,

and don't use me as your trigger to make people laugh,

don't be so much like me,

don't be someone you're not,

because in the end, you'll lose yourself,

being older doesn't make you wiser,

being there doesn't make you a companion,

being a busybody doesn't bring you good karma,

and lastly, stop snapping your freakin fingers in front of my face. you're no longer the friend i knew back then.

camp fever

2007-04-01T18:38:00.000+08:00

i just came back from the ogl camp 2007, and i really enjoyed myself.

i made many new friends and knew more about old friends, these are the things that matter to me....... understanding friend, helps them in the event that they face difficulty, you would be able to relate to them and feel their pain, i don't mean to sound keh kiang, or noble, but ever since i left the company, i made it a need to make someone's day better, the world is short on love, even people with love has a limit and tolerance on the people they can "cure".

as always, saying goodbye is never easy, when it was time for our departure, i was really feeling a huge hangover coming. these are the people i want to spend time with for the rest of my life. =)

a week in focus

2007-03-25T23:39:00.000+08:00

hey people, i'm finally able to catch sometime for blogging, update in an instant,

grandpa is doing better, the operation is successful, no more cancer tumours, but his lungs are still weak and prone to infection, so we are extra careful when we visit him, thank god,

work is quite tense as my work has been passed on to some colleagues due to my rough schedule last week, i'm afraid i won't have any job to work on,

just went shopping and more shopping was done within the week, shopped at ben and jerrys and IP zone, but keeping my account in check, i'm still saving for a wedding that i hope would happen,

17th april i might be going to bintan for a resort vacation with a few of my favourite people, whee!!

30th april marks the start of ogl camp, and i'm helping out the "task force" team, hope its not as boring as it sounds and more fun than i can imagine,

the highlight of the week would have to be madonna's i'm going to tell you a secret, which i watched everyday religiously, its filled with a lot of information and teachings that wakes me up about my physical life, i'm trying to smuggle in the confessions tour dvd, so i can learn more abour madonna. hopefully someone who sees this can help me.

and i'm generally happy this week, just very emotionally tired from all the sharing and events. i love everybody!

grandpa

2007-03-20T22:07:00.000+08:00

thanks to everyone for tagging on the blog, its good to know that i still have people who visit my blog, you know how estatic it makes me? haha...

anyway, grandpa is due for the big operation on thurs, took leave and will hopefully be able to last the time while he is in operation. going to pray tomorrow after medical checkup, army checkup is tomorrow, no tattoo to let people see, no dyed hair to be pulled at and no illnesses to let people ask tons of questions for, so i hope its fast......

ogl camp is in 1 week... hope nothing happens this thursday, i won't want anything to cause my to be moody for the camp.....

i'm truly afraid.

2007-03-17T13:47:00.000+08:00

there is nothing i fear more than sickness and what follows after that,

grandpa is now hospitalised and diagnosed with colon cancer, the doctors fear that it might have spreaded and the operation is this thursday, this thursday's operation is very dangerous as he is in the critical stage now, so.... the whole family is worried, and dad isn't helping by not visiting grandpa.

the aunts says to keep our fingers crossed, and grandma is also very worried..... seeing the ogl camp coming up, i really don't wish for anything that will lead me to distraction..... sighz....

i'm going off to help dad at the shop and will join grandma to see grandpa later in the night....

i truly am afraid.

the start of new things, but blurt out the bad ones first..

2007-03-15T00:58:00.000+08:00

hi everyone, back again, not that i don't want to update, just quite busy and finding better things to do than blogging... ha..... to those who can't see my title, it says "the start of new things, but blurt out the bad ones first.."

so, i shall start with the shuffling of friends, i know this will sound like i'm choosing my friends, but i really am, people with sight would know that i've been hanging with shawn tan and gang very often while in school, but, this, will, change, because i can't afford another semester of having certain people who enjoy seeing people quarrel and feel that i'm the sensitive one when there is perfectly nothing wrong with me, its just how you see it....... it has been mentally and spiritually painful to be with people whom i've learnt to trust, but had to take it all back instantly......

my new class will be with ting han and choon wei, i've already formed my project group and i know like... 90% of the people there, so i will feel at home there........

next, this week, has been a rough ride since the start, my arms hurt from gymming and i've been coughing till blood came out.... (vomit blood ah!), then it turns out its just infection from a wound and bad diet worsened it..... today, grandad was admitted in hospital and had to stay there for blood transfusion, after which, they will check if he needs operation for his bad stomach, and this whole thing is set to take one month or more.... it sounds quite simple here, but in actual fact, the whole family is very worried, he celebrated his 80th b dae on sunday last week and for the past year, he has been eating lesser and lesser, he has poor blood quality and didn't like to eat pig kidney (which is supposed to help produce more healthy blood cells) and doesn't eat vegetables (which resulted in piles with lots of blood lost, hence the need for blood transfusion).... the shop is without its boss, and dad is not helping by being temperamental with granma, but i managed to do some cleaning for the shop today......

sis broke an even more bigger news that i was her beneficiary for her insurance, and that if anything happens, i'm to find her agent for claims, first, it feels as though sis is you-know.... the tone she set was quite a serious and you-are-to-take-care-of-yourself tone..... i've never had too good of a relationship with my sis, but compared to my brother, things are way better..... she has not been in good health with an aunt not taking care of her when she was a baby, and now, everytime i sneak into her room, i see medicines, supplements, more medicines and so many descriptions of drugs for her illnesses or when she was sick.... truth be told, i'm worried for her too, i didn't know she would put me as the beneficiary, we had a love hate relationship that was quite sustainable, and i'm truly touched with this act, but it also made me realise that, i'll be all alone when i'm older, i hate that feeling!!!

muqsit is entering army soon, and i'll be short of one more friend, things are getting lonelier, i think i might cry soon.... boo hoo...

ogl camp is in two weeks time, i can't wait for it to happen, but, after the prata session, i felt, it might not be as good as i imagined, hopefully it goes better than expected......

on a random note, i spent too much shopping, i really need to get myself busy and not bored, meeting sharon and ting ting for lunch tmr at changi, i've placed my phone at the school gym so i'm not time conscious for now, meeting muq and the old gang tmr for dinner somewhere, will have my exams results out on monday (i really hope i pass!).... i just came home from prata house with muq and jess... i seriously think, that, i'm going through some big transformation at the moment, its currently at the inside, but it won't be long before the outside shows, my medical exams is next week and i have to get myself someone to talk to.... badly.....

i went to the gym, to get fit, so i can be good enough for you, i worked hard, to earn good money, so i give a good wedding to you, i tried being open and enthusiastic, i faced all these trials with you, all to be experienced and good enough for you..... but now that its over, do i need to get fit? do i still need a job? do i have to chuck the current me aside? and revert back to the boring yet entertained me? do i still need to be me? i'm not complaining, i'm just looking for answers.....

P.S: jen, i think the star looks better on your back, maybe on your right shoulder blade..

so busy

2007-03-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

so sorry everyone, just came back from ltc last week, it was superb (photos in a moment)

then worked the whole week away at intuition,

and a lunch date with mei on thursday which lead to me being seen by jessica, and finally, a chance to shop today, 353 bucks in two hours, new record!

but, on a sad note, after 1 year and 5 months and 23 days, our relationship ended, and this time, its for good, the date on thursday was our last lunch, no more swimming for me, no more hiding from people, and no more sweetness in this world, so much for the wedding plans, i guess i have to start over again......

i was really sad of course, but thats another story which i don't intend to tell.....

ogl camp is coming up in april, i'll be investing my times there, for the better.... i hope...

(its really been great to be with you, i want you to know, that every moment spent with you was the happiest day to me, i was sincerely in love with you, and i never regret it, if loving you means not expecting anything in return, then i will love you from now till forever. )

two more papers gilbert...

2007-02-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

just two more papers and i'll be free from the struggles, and prolly after that, my holiday will be spent like this:

1) working out at the gym during the night, with jessica (it can get pretty boring in the gym sometimes...)

2) working at intuition, i need to get more money..... for my wedding.... => (i promised!)

3) visit bored people at their ipp for lunch or something (shaowen, sahara, beverly, jensen, nurul(s) and prolly the ones at bintan)

4) holiday with mei at beautiful thailand (the suspense is killing me!)

5) do some opera training, its been a long time since i sprained my ankle.....

6) and it starts with an ltc camp at this camp christine (its near the lim chu kang cemetery...)

much as i anticipate the arrival of the ltc, i'm also kinda scared, because of the location of the camp, maybe i should get a talisman.... brrr.... cold chill from the thought of it.....

the emptiness

2007-02-24T01:55:00.000+08:00

its been a week, and i still have people who ask to open up my blog again, i'm sure of the ones who asked, all know of the incidents that occur as you guys were "victims" of the event......

should it be open up again? so people can refer to it and mock my words? so the tagboard can be a litter box for nonsense and cross identities? are you guys sure you want to see those things on my tagboard? its meant for you guys, you know......

i'll leave this decision in the hands of florence and mei.....

on the other hand, nurul was hospitalised last tuesday for asthma, and it makes me wish i could do something for her, or anyone, who suffer or feel bad, or suffer emotional pains, i really want to be a superman for the people i care for, really, but, i guess, this being seen in another way, looks like i'm trying hard to be a busybody, but i'm not, really.......

when i see myself being bullied way back in primary school, i wished i could punch them back in the face and send them flying from new jersey to canada like juggernaut, burn them with my hatred like the phoenix, hurt them mentally like psylocke, i began to build up myself and stuck to gym since, took up body combat with familars like munirah and others, joined wushu, judo, and even yoga to improve my flexibility....

then, i realised, that being able to protect them physically is not the most important part, much as i've tried to talk to people, to understand, to feel their pain inside, together, be a part of them, put myself in their shoes, it isn't easy, sometimes i cry along with them, but it eventually made me "soft", it changed my personality and in the end, this vicious cycle repeats itself...... has it been a waste of time all this while? although i don't expect anything in return from people whom i've helped, but i really wonder why it has to come back to me?

i've really lost all faith in humanity...... the last time that happened, i didn't seem to enjoy the feeling of "touch" and didn't talk to anyone in a week..... but i've missed out one important factor, the judgement of whats right and wrong, who am i to judge who's right and who's in the wrong? when people question that, it all boils down to how much belief you have in your thoughts......

this has got to be the most random post ever, haiz.... in a few hours, i'll be at the airport, sending mun off to melbourne, another bosom friend leaving for foreign grounds.... hopefully, the next time our gang hangs out, will be before he comes back.....

friends around me

2007-02-23T09:34:00.000+08:00

just came home from mun's house, i finally understood why the psp is so fun, he had a white one with tekken: dark ressurection inside, we were actually planning to go for supper, but from the long hours of doing nothing, i fell asleep first, when i woke up, i found out it was morning... i'm expecting a call from dad later....

jen's blog is filled with childish people, and sometimes...... no, most of the times, it makes me feel like i'm back in primary 5, the thing about repeated jokes is so darn true, and the constant playfulness, just compliments his statute (not talking about jen)...... i guess, not everyone changes for the better......

exams are in three days time, i hope i'm able to comprehend the whole lessons......

P.S: jen, i'll only tag at your blog when i sign in, and prolly less often now, coz i don't wish for your "girlfriend" to misunderstand... haha... good luck! and mei, i'm still loving you... => sakae on sunday?

revision

2007-02-22T12:53:00.000+08:00

the exams start on monday, i'll prolly not post anything else here, unless its seriously interesting or eventful.....

this saturday, will be taking a break from the studies, as 5am i've to be at the airport to send mun off, i'm so looking forward to it, yet dreading the arrival..... he's been like, the closest i could have to a brother, next to mei xin (who was the closest i had to a sister).... i guess, thats how i've found my surrogate family, later in the afternoon, we'll be meeting to go shopping for some stuff for his friends.... so i better make up with the lost time.....

as for the police force thing, seems like everyone is enjoying the soon-to-be-fact that i'll be entering the police force..... ha... well, i guess that will have to wait till i've graduated.....

P.S: davin, i don't understand whats happened, but from what it seems on so and so's blog (you know who you are..) things don't look great between you guys, as a bystander, i can only hope that you two will settle the differences and be friends again, i'm sure you didn't want to DEfriend them from you, that why you guys became friends in the first place..... don't give up on friendship, you'll only find the best in them after your life is over... i seriously hope you guys will be one again, thats the group that i've admired all along... =>

good news

2007-02-21T01:13:00.000+08:00

i've decided, i'm joining the police force, blue is the new red! whoo hoo!!

will be meeting mun prolly later to get some stuff before he goes back to melbourne, i really miss his company.... ha..... he's leaving on saturday..

ghost rider was the coolest

2007-02-20T23:56:00.000+08:00

you know? despite all the bad reviews about ghost rider, it was actually a superb movie, i would greatly recommend it....... was watching it with kit and jun, ha... quite a funny combination, huat wasn't available to join us.... but we did enjoy ourselves though... ha...

just read jen's blog, it seems like, the times when people (including me) asked what was the plan for any gathering, all this while, he was constantly being asked for this thing, but organising was never his cup of tea, so he was rather pissed and vented it out, also found out that there is this girl which he fancies, and the affection is mutual, woo... hopefully he find a girlfriend soon, he could really use a break from all rumours....

min said she wanted to talk to me before, but i was busy then and haven't got back to her yet, hope its not something surprising, my heart can't take it!

bev is happily in hong kong now, shopping! but the main reason is to get away from her relatives for the new year, i really don't understand it, but then again, i don't totally understand her, just enough to know that i care for her as a sister... happy new year bev!

the night of adventure

2007-02-20T06:30:00.000+08:00

happy lunar new year to the chinese and happy holidays to the other races, last night was clubbing night with a few people (no names mentioned to keep the anonymity of a few)....

i really enjoyed myself, because the songs of the year were being played, the best ones were towards the end of the night......

i'm sure that probably a few of you now know why i locked up the blog, it was a place for my thoughts, but, the tagboard was being raided and messed up constantly by my poly mates..... i know you guys might complain about it sometime, but to keep it more personal to you guys, i decided to lock it up, not for long, but long enough to keep the ones i don't intend to view out......

but, i do feel that this whole thing could have been avoided, i really hate to be mentioned as some "sex-change" freak or be labeled as "emo or sulk" all day, its just not me, firstly, sex change is just a comment, but i guess, no one is perfect, even if he does mention it, why should i get angry over him? i briefly remember that karma works in many ways, and xiangyao didn't want me to get pissed over small matters, neither should i get all angry over it, just let life go on, if you ask me, it has already been working, and this whole thing happened because of what i have done to xiangyao, that being said, i've felt that enough has been done to the person mentioned, i won't say, but i do see the part thats lacking, and the only way to compensate for it is in writing it in his blog, i was very angry because i've been helping him get to know a girl better, coz this girl has been a friend of mine for sometime, it was like..... he wasn't grateful for it, and he was being a total a-hole despite this, but i remembered, that when you help someone, you should not expct anything in return, but i guess with all the returns i get for helping the people, i was being greedy for appreciation......

last night, he was there as well, which i didn't enjoy, but i've began to understand that it would be better to ignore, i don't even read his blog anymore, it wasn't pleasing to see someone try to entertain the crowd, i just needed to read some important people's blog, like aminah, beverly, jensen, sharon, sahara, muqsit, zainal, florence, munirah, and jenny wong..... (yes,you guys are good bloggers with vital information in your blogs, hence i invited you all...)

to sum it all, i have to really control my anger, ha... time to sleep, i'm gonna watch ghost movie later with jun....

with the family

2007-02-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

went to watch epic movie with my cousins, this year, the whole family was quite united, i began talking to those cousins which i don't talk to, and found out, there is actually a lot in common.....

this year was going better as expected, and i hope this goes on all the way till forever, this was my gear for today, the shoes was the most expensive, costing nearly 150....... the others were near that price too (=>).....

made these dumplings myself

tomorrow i might be going to club with shawn and the others, hope its zouk, there isn't much good songs in M.O.S...... the other cousins will be coming over to my house too..... good thing the house is in perfect condition...

P.S: mei was well received by the family, i'm glad they weren't making any remarks about her, lets keep this going on mei, to our love!!! muackz

2007-02-17T18:24:00.000+08:00

when i type something, the world will be against it,

when someone else types something, he can "politely decline" it, so much for helping the wrong kind of people, despicable......

after the storm

2007-02-17T13:46:00.000+08:00

i woke up to a dark morning, at least i get to clear up my house now..... a lot of new things, new bedsheet, new shoes from dad (thanks), new mp3 from sis (double thanks), new handphone from.... ha... i wished.....

this new year was special coz it felt like christmas, our wong's christmas...... sadly, we haven't celebrated christmas since mum was hospitalised, and never had a good reunion dinner that lasted till 9, i guess, these gifts, was to make up for the void inside..... dad called in the morning when i was still on my way home from novena, and i walked back from the pool, saw mei by chance, she was having this swimming meet, and all the swimming stars were there, mark chay, joscelin yeo, and few others i've seen dunno their name..... we promised to meet at 5, i'm excited, yet anxious that she is coming..... i really love her, and i don't wish for her to be hurt if my family dislikes her, coz my family is quite racist..... no point worrying over it now....

i'm wondering what to do after the reunion dinner, movie? club? k box? mei won't be available because she has a curfew, so...... i'll prolly see who's free....

P.S: noah tan, don't freaking insult me with a sex change operation, i'll screw you first before i go for any operation....

another day in paradise

2007-02-17T01:42:00.000+08:00

now i'm at david's place.... with jensen behind... seeing all the post i tagging....

it was a great way to start the eve of new year, had some virgin drunkards (see shawn and daryl...)

muhaha bert just left the room now im taking over his position as blogger. woooots. ok i'll leave the rest of the blogging for the man himself, birdbird.

ok, that was jen, went to take care of them..... i'm quite blessed to find out abut my drinking limit early, actually, not really the limit, just the amount of drink i can take, i took four cups of vodka, pure, and stayed awake.... no harm done... heh....

heard that now, actually, no cleaning is supposed to be done, i was so planning to do the cleaning on new years eve, until lily said it during work just now.....

mei is coming tmr! so excited... hope my family would accept her.... time to see the drunkards.....

2007-02-16T12:05:00.000+08:00

another day of work,

met up with beverly and darius for lunch, seems like they're having fun...

work was cool, i got paid for waiting.....

met up with muq and suban shortly after that, and i wasn't late, coz it was nearby.....

and finally went shopping at carrefour for some food stuff and a surprise for mei....

tmr's gathering at david's house, hope its fun... really....

2007-02-15T08:44:00.000+08:00

last day for shopping,

gst rises soon, and i haven't even got my new phone.... will prolly get it two months after new year....

new year shopping still not complete, hopefully today, i can get, some serious shopping.... done....

mei injured her ankle yesterday during training, i guess it was too strenous.... but thats how she likes it.... will be going to find her during lunch time today, get well soon....

messed up

2007-02-14T22:11:00.000+08:00

so much anticipation for organising a get together to shop, in the end, nothing was bought.......

i'm disappointed, this valentine's day could have been better spent....

and shawn tan, you are really enjoying yourself with all the tagging right, visiting people's blog and using people's name..

valentine's day

2007-02-13T23:53:00.000+08:00

yesterday was great, during IB presentation, knowing it was our last time in IB, the other members asked questions about my group like there's no tomorrow.... mei found it funny too, coz she wanted to ask me a question, but was answered by kelvin instead.....

actually, i can feel the tension between out group, not everyone is happy that i'm always not at project meetings, either at work already, at home, or in lesson, i don't expect the peer evaluation to be good, enuff said.....

today, now, is supposed to be valentine's day, but, i'm not meeting mei for any dinner or outing, or shopping, or talking sweet nothings to each other... haha... because...... she has training today, and because most of her other swimmers are single, so they are able to meet for training tmr..... haiz.... sad as i may be, its not that bad, because we're meeting on saturday for reunion dinner.... yes!!! i finally get to bring someone back to my reunion dinner.... haha... although i know the aunts will be nagging, but she is my choice after all, respect it man.......

come to think of it, this love has been through many obstacles, and we managed to get over it, although we split up a few times, we both know, that we have the same goal, and we share almost everything, we both love babies, and hopefully, when our marriage approaches, it will be the best i can give to her....... seeing its valentine's day and all, i'll still say those magic word to you, i love you mei.

such a pity

2007-02-13T12:52:00.000+08:00

mei xin and me having a sweet moment together, she's the sister i never had..

i've never enjoyed being with my family, they can be very inconsiderate sometimes, and insensitive, its all in the blood.... sis was being bad tempered because i'm using this ex-computer of hers.... i was doing my IB project (its finally done!).....she has a high powered and advance laptop now, but i'm still taken of this privilege sometimes, she makes a lot of noise too, and when i wanted to return to her, she says she doesn't want (!!!) what a biatch....

brother was asking why i'm not using the desktop (it was obviously too slow from the low processing and the 10gig ram or something like that, it was very basic), so he asks why i need to fast one for? for gaming ah? it sounds so accusatory, thats just so him....

dad... well, he is prolly the only one i can talk to, but he is always away and its not everytime when he will talk nicely... sometimes he can be too traditional in his thinking..... sometimes he just doesn't.....

a switch in family anyone? perhaps by then i'll appreciate them better.......

life at its best

2007-02-12T08:45:00.000+08:00

now that the year twos are at ipp, there is no reason for me to be distracted from my studies, much as i wished to be in ipp now, i can't because of the remaining modules...

i managed to do some shopping yesterday for the jeans and some briefs, only left two muscle tee and four pair of socks to get..... haiz...

come to think about it, ever since mum's accident, things have been going smoother, the pain still remains, but there will be people along the way to help this transition and this has been going on for a long time.... but it didn't make life more exciting in a way that could be compared to ecstasy, i was leading a fulfilling life, but not enough.....

i really hope that this year, she'll get better.... coz i could really use a change in my life right now...

a better day...

2007-02-11T02:09:00.000+08:00

was with mun and gang ard 5, and it was really good to be back with the group, so much happening things, the rift between thomas and me is gone, and it was really.... heart wrenching to see this group again, because i know that such a moment will not last forever, mun will be going back in march, and each of us will revert back to our own lives... just like that.....

fulin had a tattoo on his back with the chinese word "love" on it.... the biggest shock of the day.... fulin tiong, the studious and under the pressure kid, turned into a punk...... it was really shocking..... i did consider a tattoo too, but i've no idea where to keep it at, an open area? or somewhere which won't see the light of day? jensen has it too, and it really looks great.... but thats not the worse of my worries......

IB is due on tuesday, i have to finish it asap, and lunar new year is 18th of feb, i still have two jeans to get and the superhero shirts, and i saw this new urban male shirt which will compliment my wardrobe perfectly, its a blue ringer tee with the words "money making machine".... kinda style huh? well... after today, i just hope i get to stick with my friends as long as possible......

P.S: i know its not your business, and not that you're busybody, you're just another person who wonders why: "if someone's treated badly/shabbily/taken for granted in a group, why bother to stay on and be the butt of everyone's jokes?why is it a need to stay in that group when you're being humiliated and insulted time and time again even if sometimes, it might be a harmless joke/comment.why make it seem to others that you're tagging along when you can step out of it and be treated better somewhere else?it's just not worth it. really.if those are your real friends, it'll be easy to tell. now isn't it?"

you're intentions are pure and your heart's in the right place, and it really got me thinking.... really... thanks for reading my blog shang.... =>

a wonderful day...

2007-02-10T05:22:00.000+08:00

just came back from M.O.S, its just a day to chill after the year twos finish their exams, so i went along... considering it my first time in M.O.S, it was really big, but, the music played were terrible, no milkshake, no sexy back, no leave a light on for me, the retro room was all playing british mod music, nothing mambo jambo about it......

went with daryl, jensen, shawn, davin, dan, bryan, sherm, davin's bro, benjamin, and one of bryan's friend (i think missed out someone, or maybe i haven't)...... anyway, thanks people, for the best night of my life, i've learnt that if you treat everyday as your last, you'll learn to cherish the littlest thing in life that can make the biggest impact on you.... you tend to be more.... happy.....

that being said, it was quite odd when all of a sudden, i was being left "alone" all the way till we took a cab home..... i think my behaviour may have scared some of them.... but nonetheless, one night will solve this.....

later will be having a bbq gathering with mun and the sec sch gang, wonder how it goes, i still have the IB to finish by 6, sent to debbie, hope today goes well.....

the week in review first..

2007-02-09T00:39:00.000+08:00

like the wind of winter blowing through,
it cleanses your soul of sorrow and gloom,
saying it out but not a sound,
you see the person who's not around,
he keeps it in but shouts it out,
just to realise its not a bout

met up with mun and andy on wed, he's going back to aussie soon... there's a gathering on saturday, hope its fun.

was with jessica for gym on today, well.. actually yesterday since its 12+ now, she's like a sister i never had, so cool, so hyper.... so... me..... we're working on something called my "abs" and its in its initial phase.... i can't wait for the final product...

today will be the last day of exams for the year twos, good luck on efma, and much as i like to do my revision this weekend, i can't, i have to finish IB by this saturday evening, so i prolly have to spend tmr doing the project so i can have fun on saturday night.....

i also realised, i haven't shopped for pants yet, the 50 for two pair of jeans is now 58 for two pairs.... and the 15 per pair of shorts is now extinct.... so.... i can only shop for the superhero shirts.... haiz.... bu i still need the jeans... to spend 8 bucks or not??? hmm...

P.S: jensen and gang, if you're going shopping this weekend, do call me,(i'm always the one calling) i'll still go out anyway...

mei shan

2007-02-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

we've all done terrible things to each other,
but we have to forgive each other,
or everything we ever were would be nothing

when the world is against us,
it gives us the strength to stick together,
we should not prove anything to them
because we are made to be together
and in times of need for each other,
the fulfillment of me to you,
will once again be true

thanks for giving me the opportunity to be together again, i'll cherish you more, much more than ever. i.l.u

is life back to normal?

2007-02-05T23:53:00.000+08:00

i took up the first step to rightness, i made the initiative to msg him, hoping i would be able to talk to him, and after 5 hours of long wait, he called me instead, and we talked it out, and i'm glad i did, because, it made me realise how much i'm missing, like a mirror, when you turn to one side, you see yourself, but turn it the other way round and you see the black side of the mirror, i've been seeing things one sided, that in return, it made me, narrow minded, and the grudges that were left in my heart just kept on growing each time......

i needed to be more expressive, more, vocal..... and i dunno how many times i heard this, but i haven't been able to do it with much succession, its an achilles heel that i needed to overcome, and maybe, someday soon, i'll be able to conquer this, it really is better to have one more friend, than one more enemy, but we need to know this, there are people out there who may cloud our judgement, and often, we need to keep in check of whats right, whats wrong, and whats the best solution for these.

i promise you, i'll try my best to fulfill the void in my error, and be able to see it, in another way. and mingy, those people who use your name on my tagboard, is actually noah's friends.... so don't bother too much about it.

forgiveness

2007-02-05T11:54:00.000+08:00

to end this whole saga, for eternal peace, and to make peace to the ones offended,

i sincerely apologise to xiangyao for the posts, you need to know that i said all those in view of how i've seen your actions and behaviour, i've heard things about you, but it was never meant to add fuel to fire, just shows how you operate your communications, and everyone has their own way of saying out, just like i prefer to blog it out.....

i didn't want to say it out to you because i was under the impression that it would have been of no use, because, you MIGHT have said that i was wrong and you were right, so i didn't take the chance to tell it out to you..... thats where i'm wrong, but i've never been so good at expressing my feelings, so i write it on my blog, and it seems like an emo blog, but it was never intended to.

next, its the "jokes" that were played, there were many times when i still had the discrimination towards you, and even more times when you played "jokes" not in my favour, it would have been rather ok if people played jokes on me, but with the discrimination on you, it was much more terrible if you played a joke on me, and i need to stress on the point that normal "jokes" were of no problem, but jokes about people's physical appearance was still not acceptable to me, i didn't like it, and i said it out, but maybe i didn't say it out to you, or you didn't hear it, OR, i didn't even say it out, just wrote it on the blog, thats another mistake i took which was due to my inexpressible nature...... i had chest muscle since primary 6, and secondary school didn't help, so when i came to polytechnic, i thought it would end, but you know the whole story. so you can imagine how much more it hurts when you say it, it seemed filled with malice......

and the times when jokes were played on you, you made it seem like it was so wrong to play a joke on you, but it was ok if you played a joke on others, that didn't help either, and on the day of incident, you made the final blow, with the others, i had to write it out, in my way of expressing, and thats how it came to what it is now, you told suban about it, and how you felt, and this is now beyond anyone's control, so i really don't care for anything else, just asking for forgiveness for any problems caused, and the loss from this event, is not deeply missed, it just proves how thin a line we're running on.

someone once said that i totally deserve this, and that now that it happened, i "must" go around blaming people, but if i didn't put the post up, why be afraid of letting him know, xiangyao deserved the right to know, so why make a fuss over it...

let me say this once, i'm not blaming anyone, if you want to feel that way too, go ahead, i've had more than enough misunderstandings for today, and i don't need another person who doesn't know what he is talking about. the end.

you and your decisions

2007-02-05T00:25:00.000+08:00

don't make yourself sound so noble, you've heard from his side, and don't tell me the befores and you would have known, the point in saying things that are past is useless.

nobody sees it clearer than the persons involved, and i don't really care what you're going to say now, you've already taken sides, and no, i don't need luck, and if you wish to cut off all terms of friendship, go ahead. i don't need another person who misunderstands.

a week in focus

2007-02-04T23:03:00.000+08:00

watching the asean soccer match now, wished i could be there to support them, but thats another thought that would never happen, this week had been one of the most eventful week ever, it started with a week without the year twos, so i was constantly hanging around nowhere when lessons ended or in between breaks.....

next was the tuesday soccer game, where we encountered the taekwondo group and they were angered by the shoutout that taekwondo sucks, the lecturer tried following us and threatened us, but to no avail, so ben and shawn thought of calling me with this phone which they picked up and pranked me about samuel and shane being stopped at the security guard gate, they were acting as the lecturer, so, i went to confront the person ( i knew it was them, but i didn't want to take the risk, so i went to see this "lecturer"), when it all ended, i was pissed, i hated to let my feelings to be played with) ash said that if he was the one to be pranked, everyone would have laughed too, so why should i get angry, oh, he was the only one who came out to find me, the only one........ anyway, point was taken, and i've been through it, no point getting all angry over it, but i'll have my revenge...

on wednesday, i had presentation, it was good, but i was terrified of course, all black, the gang was scheduled to watch the singapore vs thailand match at the national stadium today, but i was wearing everything tight, so... i went home to change first and met them in school, it was fun, but we were separated at the stadium, was supposed to be with haida and her group, but it was eventually so packed that we had to be split up.... but it was good to know singapore won, and didn't walk out of the field..... heh heh

on thursday, i saw sahara in school and decided to approach her, only to find her crying, i decided to find out the reason why, and talked her around, its been sometime since i faced anyone with problems or sadness, so... i was not fully ready to bring her back to smiles, but i did it eventually, i really hated to see anyone cry, especially girls, and if i see guys cry, well, that requires another form of motivation, it would be quite hard to bring guys back to happiness, thats because they're more stubborn....

then, at night fall, shawn tan gave me someone's address, and told me to talk it out, then i realised he had given my address to him, and that someone had flamed my tagboard, shawn, if you're reading this, i hope you know that there is more than one way to cure a fever and the method which you applied, was not the most effective one, it was tactless and if you realise, there was no link in communication between us, so it was going no where, you tried to help by giving my address, but you didn't complete your job and left just like that, you should know me long enough to know i keep my thoughts inside, and don't say it out so easily, so why would i say it out on msn or by calling? i deleted the posts, the tags and everything related, EVERYTHING..... this blog is on my thoughts, i don't voice out my thoughts so readily, so i vent out all the pressure over here, if it wasn't for this paradise, i would probably have gone insane over thoughts..... i was scheduled to finish two project over the night, so you could not have found a more terrible time to break the news to him....

then, on friday, i was down with terribly high fever, which subsided after a rest in school, then we were scheduled to go out at night, so i tried to do some project work first, then i met up with daryl and we were ready to meet at far east, jen, ben, zai, daryl and i were there to do some shopping, ate at this terribly terrible store called rose garden cafe, i didn't know what to shop, so i didn't do any (i already knew what i wanted, and it was at dhoby ghaut.... =>).... we were actually ready to watch movie, so we headed to cathay, but i expected something (yes, its the thing that jen and gang usually do), which we did eventually, playing lan games, i stopped after a while and fell asleep while waiting, because i knew the night is going to be long..... so after the gaming session, we went towards this prata shop at bugis, ate our supper, and had quite some fun... haha... we had this sharing session amongst the guys all the way till 4.30, then took a taxi home.. i was pooped, and still thinking about tmr, i was scheduled to help mr fuan with a talk on wireless lifestyle, so i had another form of income... i'm glad this week is over, because it should signify a better week ahead.....

P.S: i still need two pairs of jeans, four pairs of 3 quarters, and five or more clothes (superman shirt, batman shirt, green lantern shirt, venom shirt, flash shirt and maybe a few other superhero shirts), thats my shopping list, oh, and here's a not so well kept secret, SINGAPORE WON THE ASEAN CUP AGAIN!!!

i am not wrong

2007-02-02T01:49:00.000+08:00

i understand your intentions, but i still know that, you shouldn't have passed it.

i've come to a point of total ignorance, no more hatred, no more love, nothing, the posts are gone, call it backstab, i know it as expressing myself my way, i've learnt my lesson, and i've got nothing more to say to you.

judgement

2007-02-02T00:45:00.000+08:00

am i in the right to judge him? what makes me right and what if i'm wrong? have i been blinded by my anger and clouded my judgement because of a series of events that lead to nowhere but hatred?

i've always felt i was right in thinking this way, but..... just asking, what if, i was wrong all along? tmr there is a project meeting, i'm listening to 'lithium' by evanesence, and i've got a whole night by myself..... i'm gonna faint from all the hard work.... its a good habit to do things consistently, don't rush it all at one time.

repeat after me...

2007-02-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

i hate to repeat one semester, i hate people to repeat themselves, i hate to repeat myself again and again, so i'll say this once, its not funny to make jokes that are at people's expense, but doing it to other people are ok..... heee hee heeeee

ok, maybe not, but just remember to practice what you preach, don't preach when your actions don't match what you say. if you claim you're jensen tan, then go and have fun like making people from taekwondo hate you, pranking people, having the best times in lecture, be the butt of all gay jokes ( he is well liked by gays and associates alike).....

this saturday's shopping spree is postponed to sunday, because i haven't received all the money yet, so.......... i just have to wait...... haiz.... but i really wonder if i have bought too much clothes........ i don't mean to brag but..... I'VE JUST BOUGHT A TOTAL OF 738 BUCKS WORTH OF CLOTHES!!!!!

whew...... come to think of it, it took me a lot of browsing to find these rarity, i finally have enough for a wardrobe, i have been deprived of self-indulgence when i was young, i guess thats what brought out this.... er... this.... this character of mine.... shopping fills up my bored times....

can it get more perfect?

2007-01-29T23:49:00.000+08:00

after so many nights of toil and pressure, i'm down to one project left, IB (international business).... its quite tiring, but i managed it with a gift from yumin, thanks! she gave me this facial mask to tighten the skin, she said something about night time loosening the skin..... so.... thanks again!

i still remember those times where we chase idols and our accidental meeting at turf city, it was a totally unexpected meeting and we just exchanged number so we can keep in touch again, because she is so resourceful..... now that we're older, we handle things more maturely of course.... i miss those days.....

well, with one project to go, i better rush it out well, on saturday, the whole soccer gang plus some new members went to see the soccer match between malaysia and singapore..... its was fantabulous...... the feeling when singapore won, lionel lewis did us proud, he's from nyp! ha.... it was chasing idols in a different way...... but, seeing malaysia and singapore, there was bound to be some trouble, some fucking cb knn clj malaysian supporter tried burning our singapore flag, good thing zainal and i spotted it quickly, it was a matter of national pride!

the next soccer game is this wed at national stadium, i've got 40 tickets~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whooo.... its gonna be a big gathering.... i queued up for about one hour just to buy up all the student tickets for that location.... ALL!!!! i bought up all the tickets, so naturally, i had to leave quickly before anyone realises it...... after finding a safe spot, i went to count the number of tickets given, and heaved a huge sign of relief......

this saturday, gonna go new year shopping for the fifth time.... i bought a lot of things already, but i needed more, last year, i lent money to amos, so i had little money to get new year stuff, and ended up with just three t shirts, one shirt, two jeans, one box of undersized briefs (i prefer boxers more) and a shoe that would make slippers look fabulous (it costs 9.90 at carrefour, no brand)..... the shame!!!! it was my worse new year, i managed to get it all for 50 bucks..... so.... i decided that everynew year after that has to be better, no more cheap clothes, i had to do myself some justice, plus, i worked out a new body this year, had to show it off...... so.... match people, please return me the money by this wed k? please! don't run away with the money!!! i need to go shopping!!! this week we'll be bringing wan cong along, thats a new addition to our gang.....

aftermath

2007-01-27T08:21:00.000+08:00

hahahahahahha......

i never thought i would be able to get advice from you, your understanding of him has been most observant, thats why you're able to direct me to the right way, although i don't remember how i was like in msc, but i'll try to replicate it, all in the name of revenge....... thanks man...

on a random note, i just finished two projects, just four more, two are roughly completed, one has not been started, one is on the verge of completion..... i'll be going for the singapore vs malaysia match later, but we're meeting at 6, so i think.... its a little too long to wait at home...... i better go shopping for more stuff, lunar new year is approaching, i've still got a lot to do and exams are directly after that, so.... if i don't have a smile on my face on new year, do pardon me.....

P.S: there is nothing wrong with guys with big CHESTS it is perfectly normal if you've been going to the gym for a long time, don't let narrow minded, tiny brained, smaller balls, even smaller self-esteem and the tiniest form of security people affect your thinking, there is definately nothing wrong with us....

without you.

2007-01-25T08:32:00.000+08:00

without you, the world isn't so colourful
without you, the coffee taste so blue
without you, a smile is not a smile
without you, a frown will be my crown
without you, messages will have no meaning
because of you, i'll always have a beginning

everytime you're down or doubtful, i wished i was there for you, and i was, i never hoped for anything in return, but you were always giving more than what i gave.

it began as a competition of who gave who more, but cupid works in many different ways, thats how we fell in love, now that we've stopped the game, the clock still ticks, and you never fail to stop giving, giving me the strength to carry on, to clear the thoughts, and to understand that, loving you was not a mistake.

no doubt that i miss you, and i know you feel the same way too, but i'll wait, because the time is coming to an end, soon, we'll be back again. i love you.

its not happening

2007-01-23T22:33:00.000+08:00

yes, its true.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
my temper is back.

much as i like to say i'm at fault, i can't, because i know that i was wrongly accused, i beat up people who accuse me, but that was then. i need sometime to think.

this day

2007-01-22T23:42:00.000+08:00

this post is dedicated to the only day when i can dry all my freshly washed clothes (the satisfaction!!),

to a new and slimmer me (sounds so gay... -_-''')

to a more richer me (i just got my pay)

and to a more metrosexually confusing me (don't tell everyone, i just threaded my eyebrows)

=0 nothing surprising anyway, i was planning to do it long time ago, until self-confidence brought me back to track.... muahahahahaha

miraculous day

2007-01-21T00:34:00.000+08:00

i spent the whole day doing project, my eyes are almost burning.... next week i have to complete two projects and do one more research before the presentation the week after, the week after will be the one with al the presentations, so my legs will have to work hard (leather shoes hurt)..... that time on thursday, the gang went to ngee ann to play soccer, it was for this event where the winner takes all, their hopes were high, but the thing ended with them losing the 20 bucks.....

but we still had dinner anyway, it seemed like a good place to eat, but i had stomach cramps from all that dieting, lately, i've not been eating as well as i should.... so..... well, it was expected anyway..... so the day ended with us taking bus home.....

friday was a better affair, but i was late for caa!! my fav class, but..... well... i know i'll be late... haiz.... then i went over to the AIDS event by shawn and gang, they were giving out free condoms to spread the message that prevention is better than cure.... it didn't turn out very well, but the important thing is that it happened.....

on monday, i'll be getting something special for myself, a well deserved holiday, exams are on 26th of feb, i'm gonna make it through.....

P.S.: the story above is a true story of a friend of mine, i felt it was worthy of being published, to show that when you think that your life is terrible, there are people who are worse off, so stop complaining. =>

the story so far 2

2007-01-19T21:31:00.000+08:00

she brought him up differently, made him greet people, he was courteous, he was well groomed, loved, taught and ready to face the world, but she had overdone it, he was softened, but that didn't stop her from making him the best, she protected him, at the risk of shame, but she knew, it was all worth it.

she made it to secondary three, he was doing well, everything that she wanted, was all in her hands, she could not feel more blessed, but, good things don't always last, while sending her future to school, she decided to let him have the transport and she left the cab, little did anyone know, that was the last goodbye.

she met with an accident, and was losing all consciousness, all her memories were being reformatted, she was losing her dream, she was only able to leave her last tear for her son, the fine lady, was now unable to guide her child, she was happy, that she brought him to the edge of manhood, but she was worried at the same time, for he was too attached to her.

this boy, grew up, but lost his soul, he had no one to confide in, no one to talk to, no one to share his happiness, no one, at all.... people who didn't know him found him weird, and anti-social, but he was lost. he was blamed for his mother's situation, his father blamed him, he felt terrible, time and again, he wished he could find paradise on earth, but the only paradise was to leave it, his exploits to tall buildings always left him suicidal thoughts, he was ready to leave.

but, he felt a tug on his heart, he saw a speck of light, he felt the responsibility, he still had an severely hurt grandma, this grandma, was hated by her son, who was the boy's father, she had a rough journey, due to family size, she had to give away her fourth daughter, she had a tough time with her in laws, wash clothes with her own hands when she was heavily pregnant, she had many children, but none loved her truly, happiness was money to them, they gave her money, that was all they could give, her sons were a disappointment, one was declared a bankrupt and left a heavy debt to her, the loansharks were after her constantly, asking her for the money her son owed, but her son had left the country, left his family of sons and daughters, all to survive the tough times.

she cried day and night, but was constantly consoled by the fine lady, she was her only hope, and the best daughter in law anyone could ask for, now that the fine lady was gone, she had no one to really care for. her second son, was a gambler, and beats his wife and children, this was her second headache, she felt no more meaning in life, if not for the youngest son borned by the fair lady, she would have cried a river, he proved to be her favourite, but he was flawed, he is tired now, all the emotional struggles, all the ongoings, the things she know, the things she don't, all made him a better person, but he was worn out to the max, he wished he could take a deep sleep, for life, all this will end when she was gone too. if only they knew.

the story so far

2007-01-19T21:10:00.000+08:00

she loved him very much, but he beared a hatred deeper than any ocean, it has been 30 years, she was slowly living her life away, but he didn't give a care about how she was, he hated her for letting her husband sell off the car without letting him use it, he hated her for her husband spending money for himself but none for him, she was very heart-broken, she was his mother.

her salvation was near, for her son had found the love of his life, this love, however, was not at first sight... the lady, was a matchmaker for his sister, little did anyone know, his sister's husband to be, was actually in love with this lady, and willing to be close to her by marrying the unfilial son's sister. that was true love.

the son and the fine lady got married and gave birth to three children, three heirs that would come to be the most respected. the eldest, was the most adored, he was the first grandchild, but sadly, he was the most notorious, fortunately, he found the path to enlightenment and gained inner peace, the second child was a girl, and she was to be the most pitied, but she was the strongest in spirit, growing up sick and ill healthed, she was the pride of the family, studies and beauty, were all hers, but she was ill fated with boys, and turned to the dark side, and eventually, away from the family that loved her.

this third child, he was soon to be the wisest, it wasn't in him in the past, but he was to be trialed and tested, the most experienced amongst the grandchildren, but, he had the least amount of love. his reason for survival is his mother's love, for she was aged, and having him might be more of a burden than a bundle of joy, but she was willing to take the risk. she prayed night and day, that this child will be normal, and her prayers were answered, he was the most beautiful child ever seen, he was her salvation too.

years pass and the unfilial son began to bear the same hatred for his wife, his wife, wanted to help by making more money for the house, she dreamed of adoring her children with gifts, bringing bread back for a change, but she was burned, burned in the stock market, and her husband could never forgive her, life began to turn tragic for her, she would not have lived, but her children spured her on to live. she was a mother. her eldest child, was still a gangster, he broke her heart the most, the second child, had confined herself to her work, and chose not to confide in her mother, she broke her heart too, the youngest, was still as adorable as ever, a child, still innocent and young, she chose to refine him to be the best.

just a thought....

2007-01-18T01:03:00.000+08:00

i've never felt more tired, the cough is back, there is a mail on the SBM musical 2007, they're in the auditioning phase now, so....................................... i've decided to give it a shot, english songs are not a problem at all, i grew up singing them now, although i prefer mandarin songs at the moment.....

yesterday was a great experience, i was at the kallang stadium with ash and gang, watching the sing vs indo game, it was definately a game of national pride, the feel, was unforgettable, but am i still going to play soccer? i guess not, the graveyard of hundreds of specs still lay under the bed, i have no fate with soccer balls.......

i went after the dreadful presentation for PFPLI (personal financial planning and life insurance), the speech that i had rehearsed for days went blank when it started, so make it worse, ms chee didn't seem to enjoy it, i left for the sbm day 2007 rehearsals after our presentation was done.... it was great, sure.. we had minor glitches with the powerpoint and the performance.... but overall, it was great, it was managed by the sbm club, thats why its a success.... => good job to janice, who was the SM (stage manager)....

tmr, the soccer gang will be going for this game at ngee ann poly, i might just tag along.... if that idiot isn't there... but chances are he won't be there, he doesn't play soccer after all....

something's wrong.. oh no!!

2007-01-14T22:12:00.000+08:00

just got the norton antivirus 2007... its supposed to work right? but it isn't.....

saw mei online just now.... tried talking to her but she didn't reply... hmm... am i thinking that she is avoiding me? definately.... i've been quite a letdown to her...

am i getting better? yes!! the cough is going away, i can sing better than ever, the nose is cleared and my complexion is getting better... must have been all that ginseng and bowls of herbs.... this week will be a rough one, coz i have a lot of presentations to do.... many icas to complete.... wish me luck!

weekly review

2007-01-13T18:31:00.000+08:00

loneliness is never hurtful with company,
emptiness is never silent with some mischief,
boredom is just a statement,
but leaving is never an option.

this week has been a mess since saturday, down with heatiness, so i had nosebleed for two days (will post the photo up soon), then it came to fever and sore throat, which affected my voice a lot, wasn't able to attend vocal lessons, there is a test coming up soon!! haiz.. then it developed to ulcers, which is being cured swiftly thanks to yoghurt!!

then i had dizziness time and again, coz i was not given my allowance for the week, so, i had to go school on an empty stomach for most of the week.... heh... its actually because of my late nights back home, dad decided to take things in his own hands.... i don't blame him actually.. ha...

i was able to survive thanks to the generous people of nyp, i borrowed from choon wei, zainal and shawn to survive the long days.... so.. my diet was messed up, gained a kg or so...

however, despite the week being a terrible one, things were relatively good on the whole..... made a few new friends over the week, jensen added me on msn... haha... to think a few months ago we were exchanging colourful language over this conversation by alex.... then we had some good gaming session at e-games for about two or three times, yesterday we went to play dota, it was fun to get back into the game, but i was owned as usual.... haiz... we were actually planning to go to MOS to celebrate daryl's b dae, but we had to wait for jensen's frens as to whether they are joining us or not.... but eventually, it was gaming for us, lex, jason (jensen's fren), ben, dan, jensen, noah, shawn, darius and daryl....

darius left after a while.... we took a bus 162 there, and it took us 1 hour and 30 min to reach dhoby ghaut.... we seriously regretted taking a bus.... but the bus was kinda cool though, it was modelled after a bar, it ws a nokia 5300 bus... the seats were cool white leather.... didn't take a picture though.... ha.... shawn did.... jensen tried to get this two girls to get out of the back seat, so he tried using my umbrella to chase them off.... sadly, one of the girls looks like siew fong..... wonder if it really is her... haha.. daryl was waiting for us, and we played and had chicken rice for dinner... one of the best chicken rice..... after that we walked to dhoby ghaut to go home... jen and ben left for the bus towards their house.... me, noah, shawn and daryl took mrt and that ended the day..... when i returned home, i found out that my brother's com has been infected with trojan horse virus, he blamed my com for it, and disconnected it.... so now i'm back to my old com.... haiz... seems like i have to get a norton soon.....

the truth

2007-01-08T00:49:00.000+08:00

i thought that i would be able to adjust to the new life,
but happiness is never long,
worries and thoughts fill my head,
the start of the end of a new beginning.

dad might just stop working and retire for good after the lunar new year, he's bringing mum home and, although he tells me not to worry about the thought of "no income and continuous expense", its still very hard when you've got a lot of responsibility....

he says that bringing mum home will lessen the expense and will be more convenient for him, thats what he wishes to do anyway, there is no happiness in working with people who don't treasure him, but, they're his parents after all..... hope granny will be able to cope.....

this is just a consideration after all, but knowing him, this may just be the next reality, not that i'm against it, i'm just confused as to how to adapt to it..... had a talk with the person(s) involved in the previous post, its..... on its way to recovery, i know its hard to find a perfect group to hang out with, but thats close to perfect, i doubt i'll find a better gang to hang out with, really, but i guess i demand too much, ideals may have clashed, but i believe there is nothing i can't solve.....

if dad really leaves work at the company, i'll have to find a more stable job, so worried!

super selfish bastard

2007-01-06T01:48:00.000+08:00

it came to my observance that, some selenge, has been super odd and disrespectful to my principles and values.....

just because i pinch someone, i'm deemed to be "girly", the fucker punched me and said it is more man, but you look at his actions, and behaviour, and the things he do most of the time, games, repeated jokes, and talking about how bad people look, maybe someone should get him a mirror.....

seriously, i hate gays, and i hate it even more when people question my sexual preference, its damn obvious, and yet, they talk about it like its fun, but its not, someone should tell them that, because it doesn't seem to work when i say it out.....

i've had about enough of following around and waiting, i'm wasting my precious time hanging around people who have fun in other people's demise and thinking people are "touchy" when you tell them to stop it.... you better learn to change, and your manners..... complaining to your friends and everyone agreeing does not make it right..... fuck fuck fuck.....

went to meet up with nat, there was a discussion on how the jeremy kwan and jeff fans will help out nat to be the finalist, hope he makes it.... i'm not going to live another empty life....

a heart-wrenching day....

2007-01-05T00:19:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt that you're not welcomed into this world? not good enough? don't belong anywhere? that you don't have a place in this society that demands perfection? i'm sure thats how lesheng is feeling now, it really hurts to see a good singer go offstage, and carrie, omg, perfect singers, but this is a competition after all, for those who have no idea of what i'm talking about, i'm talking about project superstar contestants...... they're my latest craze......

lesheng is the guy on the right

they are out of the competition, not because they aren't good, similarly, i've come across people who tell me they have done this wrong, did something only to live in regret, felt they're not good enough, i can only say, this can only be cured by yourself, as the pain is self-inflicted, not one is bad, everyone's good in one way or the other, like sahara, she sings very well, very very well in fact, but, for those evildoers who have caused stress and thoughts of sadness, it is not shown to them, it is just like covering your eyes, open the left hand, you see one sight, open the other, and you see an almost similar sight, but things are different, we have to see things with both eyes, to see the beauty in humanity, i once almost gave up humanity to be.... er... something not human, sadly, this is a common sight.....

coming back to the topic of project superstar 2, i've been rooting for this guy, nat, and this lady, diya, my personal favs....

i really hope they can get into the finals, and bring singapore music to glory..... but, it is a bitter sweet affair, much as i like to voice out to the contestants, the only form of support is sms....... never doubt your talent, nothing is the limit, unless you tell yourself you have had enough, it feels as though i can feel the pain of lesheng, i know it is impossible, but it really hurts when your dreams are dashed when you've been lifted so high....

the start of a new year

2007-01-02T01:58:00.000+08:00

well, considering how 2006 has been, i really can't wait for 2007 to happen...

on 31st december, i was out with shawn and noah and daryl at this event by zouk at the expo as they got 4 free tickets, it was a clubbing event, but i only found out when i met noah and gang... ha.. i brought along this bag and when i asked if there was a baggage counter, this idiotic lady asked again: bag?!, i know it sounds weird la, but why sound like you're so noob, i obviously didn't know the nature of the event.....

so well, i was the butt of all jokes that day, crocs and bag, what a combo huh.... we reached at 9, the event really started at 11, so we waited and waited, and when it finally did start, we realise it was a ticket for under-18 -_-''' so that means no alcohol, and not as many people as we expected.... then we hatched a plan to go over to the 18 and above side, which was fun, and successful, all of us were 18 and above witht he exception of daryl..... wahahahah...

it was a great night, considering it was the three of them's first time at a clubbing event, the night was filled with retro songs, it was mambo jambo meets holla, so i felt at home when the songs came, they played the latest hits after the countdown, sexy back, promiscious, tokyo drift, and we saw a lot of colourful characters, saw gerald and sarah there, was uncomfortable in the beginning, because shawn had attempted to take a video of me dancing (told you he was a selenge!!)..... we had quite some liquor too, bourbon coke and barcadi sprite.... sweet...

eventually, when it ended, we decided to go to changi airport to have a macdonalds, since we were quite budget, we decided to walk there, and mind you, we were exhausted, i didn't know my leg was hurt, and we walked for miles into a puddle of mud when we attempted to take a shortcut... fuck... i just washed my crocs (good thing my crocs were fixed and have straps now...) now i have to clean them again....

after 1 hour of desperate walking (desperate "future" househusbands) we ended up taking a silver arrow to changi at 10 bucks.... mac never tasted so good.... as i was super exhausted, i fell asleep in the airport, only to be woken up by shawn... damn... i was tired...

now that it was over, i really enjoyed it, thanks to the three "tans" who made my new year great for a beginning..... now i have a strained heel, tonsilitis, sore throat, and a great new year ahead.... i can't wait for lunar new year, got more clothes to get, more shopping to do.....

all about me

2006-12-30T20:44:00.000+08:00

last night i spent the night along orchard road, initially it was a gaming session between noah and a few of his friends, we saw ahmad there too, and lex, and daryl....

then i joined them in a game of dota and was owned badly.... after shawn joined, they switched to cs, i began my ai map, and it was over quite sometime later, i was initially wanting to go to vivo city, to fix my crocs, but we played till 9, so it was too late to go vivo... so i said we'll just go over to dhoby ghaut and daryl wanted to stay overnight....

noah, shawn and daryl, we hanged out all the way till 10 at dhoby ghaut, then left for the pool near orchard..... played pool till quite late, then wanted to go k boxxing, but alas, money was not abundant yesterday, so we didn't have the chance.....

then we wanted to trick daryl to going to see trannies, (daryl is scared of gays and associates of gays) so we bluffed him into a 24hr gift shop (now orchard towers is a 24 hrs gift shop!!!)

then, we went walking around seeing stuff and spent a large amount of time at starbucks spilling secrets of each other, it began with truth and dare, but we didn't want to spin the bottle anymore... so we talked about ourselves and others, the three of them ganged up to lie to me about themselves, saying stuff about whos who in a gang and which sec sch they were from... all lies

they talked crap all night long and i believed them totally, daryl whined about his drink, the other two guys drank free milk shamelessly and when starbucks was closing, we sought refuge at this cool cane seats, and noah talked about how he was an ex gay, i believed that and felt it was disgusting, then we left for mac and home, when we were on the way home, they finally said it was all a lie.... bloody liars, i always believe in retribution.... did i mention i hate liars? i was nearly going to tell them the story about me, but it was a good thing i didn't tell them, they weren't even interested anyway....

i know that the main culprit is shawn, all the scheming to bring daryl to the 24 hrs gift shop was his plan, the lying must have been his plans too..... selenge...

a fellow blogger

2006-12-28T17:01:00.000+08:00

just changed my blog skin, i think desperation and boredom has caused me to sink into depression for quite sometime, much as i hate it, it still happened anyway... well, i guess i just have to deal with it, on a lighter note, i've been following project superstar for sometime, and been reading the blogs, i found project superstar 2 superstar blogger, angie's blog to be quite interesting...

i've also posted a comment to encourage her, hopefully she brings interesting news in the days to come, here's what i said:

"hey, quite new to your blog, but have been able to catch up with the posts..
i think you've done a great job of blogging for the superstars and blogging beats forums anytime....
if i have the chance, hope i'll be able to take a picture with you too.. coz you look quite like dawn, but you're still our superstar bloggger.
every superstar has their supporter, i believe that you aren't an exception, so count me as your supporter!! good job!! =>"

its been sometime since i've gone star chasing, everyone needs encouragement now and then, and evenmore so when you're facing the public, there were some rude comments to the contestants, maybe my presence will cheer them up??? ha.. was supposed to go to vivo with noah, daryl and shawn, but, as expected by yours truly, noah and daryl didn't want to go out after going home, so i was left at home. damn.... another time then..

boxing day

2006-12-27T19:53:00.000+08:00

after spending a christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day alone, it occured to me that there is more to life than just death and getting all angry over it. its amazing how one girl can affect my life so much, goes to show how much i love her.... and miss her....

before we get all sad and go aw..... i'm gonna say, i'll never cry over such things, its always been quite interesting to see people sympathise with sad, lovelost, lover-less people, but i don't really wish for all these, its just not me, the two close friends i know, will understand that i rather keep it within me, than say it out....

who really understands the thoughts of others? can you read minds?

its been raining like sh*t, even the clothes i washed are turning bad due to the humid weather... some sun wouldn't kill..

i'm dying to go shopping, saw shawn's blog and he said we might go to sentosa tmr, well, knowing shawn, it depends on whether the others are going or not.

i've really got to learn to control my temper, broke quite a lot of things in my anger, and there are some which are precious to me too... mun is in town, for quite some time already, but will try to find a time where we can gather at his house...

feeling alone, i looked around,
thousands of beings, but none to fit the crown,
the tear in my heart, not mended by glue,
no one can heal it, no one but you

is it really the end?

2006-12-26T02:01:00.000+08:00

crying won't help, screaming won't teach,
i've left the best, but it wasn't in reach,
you say you know, i doubt you do,
the loneliness of a soul, left in its quest,
all for a chance, to redeem itself,
the pains bleed hard, but in real it hurts,
leap into the distance, hoping to fly,
to escape it all, for that bed in heaven,
when reality sets in, there none of me.

this song, the blog layout, it came to me as...... girly,but after a while, it seems... me... i thought that christmas would be fun, i thought that the plannings will be good, as usual, i'm wrong, we don't always get what we want, when i cut myself while preparing lunch, all that bleeding really woke me up, seeing all the blood drip, i silently thought: more! more! drain me dry!!

i was born, not to belong to this world, all this hardships were to make me stronger, but, it really irritates me, the thoughts of people who have hidden thoughts, people who hide their weapons behind the smiles, the people who talk to me only about jobs and money, the people who probe me about my love, the ones who talk behind my back, the insults and scars, i have taken them all.

i have no more desire to live, if there is anyone who can show me an alternative, please don't, humanity disgusts me, i never wanted to be a human, i may have been a survivor of other million sperms, but i regret coming out.... its all in black and white, will i ever find the strength to make it through these thoughts? that is an obvious answer, only i can answer it all.... its still so hard to understand people... am i being emotional? is it desperation, why are you doubting this wound? truth is, i'm really hurt.

boredom kingdom

2006-12-23T00:12:00.000+08:00

the blood red moon blooms over you
tellling the time for crimson disaster,
out from the shadows, a hero emerges,
only to realise its just a dream
tried as i may, wished as i might,
the signs of lethargy showed on sight,
i tried to ask, and ask i did,
what made me so bored and write this shit...

spent the day working my ass off at intuition, it was great, make money for the future....
i begin to realise i'm more like... some people who whine when they have no girlfriend, except, i don't whine, i just get really depressed, unintentionally of course.... its as though life has no more meaning, kinda bored....

wait wait... kinda is still an understatement, i'm very bored... can't wait for anyone to just call me to ask me out... for anything...

rain and more...

2006-12-19T21:55:00.000+08:00

went out with noah, shawn, daryl, david and their friend, ahmad, last night, we actually met in the afternoon at 4, and we slacked at far east plaza, till we decided to go cathay to watch movie.... thats when things got damn fucked up.... we wanted to watch charlotte's web, which is a comedy, so its ok, but.... at the very very last minute, when ahmad came from mosque, noah asked him if they should watch casino royale, and he said anything, so noah asked david to change the tickets to casino royale, he asked daryl and everyone else if they wanted to watch, but.....

he didn't ask me la, i have no intentions whatsoever to watch daniel craig or some bond shit, it was a change at the last minute and there was no time to even think if i wanted to watch or not
so... there goes 6.50, after noah asked ahmad, i said, why you never ask if i wanted to watch casino royale, there came the fuckest answer ever, aiyah, your opinion doesn't count la....

WWTTFFF!!!!! my presence was never there in the first place, and i'm watching bond shit in two hours time, we had to wait for a freaking two hours at some place where people was sitting near cathey... fuck... its damn waste of time la..... when the whole thing ended, noah denied saying what he did, and thats damn ************ casino royale is a good show, but i had no intention to watch it, and the fucking show was at 9.35, it ended at 12.30, how the hell am i getting home??? so we had to slack around and saw darius and his two friends too, they left shortly after that and we ended up at paragon, waiting for the fucking long rain to stop, its damn irritating... i couldn't go to work because of it, and to think this holiday was supposed to be a working one, so i could earn money for future uses....

all in all, yesterday and today was a terrible day, i'll never trust noah's sense in watching movies anymore, and the next time, i'm buying the tickets.....

a new beginning

2006-12-16T22:29:00.000+08:00

life is a series of beginnings and ends,
when one event ends, it marks the beginning of something new,
like a phoenix in the fire, a whale in the the blue oceans,
my thoughts will emerge, bringing me to new sensations of happiness,
guiding me through the deepest darkness alleys of sadness,
with you around, i know i'm never alone.

things has been going ok between both of us, we've come to an understanding and tmr she's prolly preparing to go for her competition tomorrow, hope everything goes well and may she bring back a gold medal for singapore....

whats life about?

2006-12-14T23:21:00.000+08:00

is life all about waiting?
for the endless times we have?
is it really endless?
seems like there is a lot,
but come to think of it
we have very little time to do the things we want
these days have been a blur to me,
because i was blinded by the feeling of love leaving
i'm getting used to it now,
and i'm trying to cherish everything around me now
the people who are with me
the things that are shown on tv,
have been watching project superstar,
and i've decided, i'll join the next one,
watching jeremy and nat performing,
it makes me want to join them,
hope they would be able to make it to the final two guys,
my fav girl, dawn, is already out, hope she'll get thru the revival round.
jus two more icas to holiday,
i could really use a break,
might be going to a spa resort to loosen up.
anyone wanna join??

the life of yesteryear

2006-12-13T21:36:00.000+08:00

its been a while,
since i've seen,
the lovely smile,
in sweet innocence,
you've opened up,
i've closed it shut,
this love of years,
that no one wants,
can we still be?
i doubt thats so,
for if it does happen,
the then is gone,
without a then,
there wouldn't be now,
lets keep it straight,
and straight it shall,
loneliness you say,
readiness i tell,
the love for you,
is not for now.

things are going fine, but it could have been better, christmas is coming, i still want to celebrate with you, and i will celebrate with you...

a wasted day..

2006-12-09T21:34:00.000+08:00

did i misunderstand?
was it all a moment of anger?
i should not have been angry when you mentioned that name,
but his presence is never recognised,
for when he's around,
i'll be gone in an instant,
i've wasted one day,
and tomorrow will be another,
life is going on without a desired reason,
gilbert wong is dead today.

still getting used to be without you....

2006-12-06T20:24:00.000+08:00

its been quite sometime,
i'm still trying to be used without you,
much as i like to say i'm ok,
its really not the same without you,
we do still talk,
but i felt we've lost everything,
i need sometime to get used to it,
hope you'll get used to it too.
i'm sure you can do it,
because thats why i love you.

P.S: so tired of relationships, but i'm not complaining, i guess i've been too reliant on her, but i'm gonna get better, don't really like being emo.

nothing beats life, because life beats you up and spits you out to let you know you're alive

daily blogging is not gay..

2006-12-04T18:48:00.000+08:00

woah... juz saw darius's blog, he said that blogging daily is gay.... which isn't true of course.... its just a matter of perspective, if you blog to keep memories, then daily is fine, if you're blogging about how interesting your life is and how other people's one is, then i guess it should be a forum... to me... a blog is a diary, somewhere i can keep my memories, in the event that i lose my life or my memories, hopefully this will be the saving grace to sanity......

i'm still talking with mei, we are keeping a strictly friends only relationship, it can be a little weird sometimes, i need to get used to this quickly.....

life has been fun i guess, all that work, stress from lecturers, silences from classmates who are not that helpful, and a friend of mei who isn't really my friend.....

are we living life? or is life living itself into us??

soccer match

2006-12-02T23:34:00.000+08:00

today, noah's team had a soccer match, the members consisted of shawn, noah, ashley, jitesh, benson, melvin, davin, samuel, two chinese guys, zainal, sebastian and rizal, we didn't win, but didn't lose either, we scored 3, the other team scored 4, they were wan yi's boyfriends team, they played dirty and they had three supporters who were fucking noisy and damn rude, may judgement be brought upon them...

went to causeway point after that, it was fun, but it ended quickly too, after that, me and zainal went to meet up with muq, colin and suban, i was already quite hungry when we met colin, and when we had to wait for suban, it was terrible, i was so hungry and everyone of them ask whats wrong, one after another... so irritating... i was obviously hungry and we were still walking around, when they were hungry, we would go dine immediately, so i was def quite pissed, then after that we went to indochine, was supposed to be enjoying ourselves listening to the band singing, but they took far too many breaks, and withdrew my dedication, wth.... i'm not going there again...

i think my bad temper is back again, i hope its not due to the breakup...

the stress and break-up

2006-12-01T19:59:00.000+08:00

one year and 15 days,
thats how long we were together,
we were two people really in love,
but had to go against the world,
keeping our love quiet,
we cherished the moments together,
and i guess that why we didn't cry when we broke up,
my hearts aches,
but i won't tell that to you,
because i love you.

chang long

2006-11-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

was about to change classes when i saw shawn and he told me chang long is hospitalised, quite serious, i didn't know he was the guy who was hurt from the accident in hougang, he was the second person to be hit,and was unconcious after that, so he had no memory about it....

we went along with noah and xiangyao after classes and saw chang long in icu, han quan and his class mates were already there, he tore his liver and had underwent surgery in the afternoon, so he was quite tired, truthfully, i didn't know him that well, but we know each other's presence, just tuesday i saw him in gym, life is simply too fragile and unexpected, the last time i went to tts hospital was four years ago, i never liked it there, every bad memory was caused there, haiz, if only time could be turned back... this is my 100th post, hopefully more to come...

2006-11-29T21:47:00.000+08:00

so tired, but can't sleep well without thinking abt her, someone sedate me please!!!

long long day....

2006-11-28T08:13:00.000+08:00

well, today is gonna be the day where i start at 9 and end at 6, truthfully, mei and i are having some difficulties, we don't talk much in school, our daily love talk is on sms, and we can't show affection to each other too, otherwise jin siong will know.... thats very tough....

i think we need to go out together again, only then will we feel safe...

good bye my dear phone.....

2006-11-27T19:26:00.000+08:00

just came back from a series of places... my leg ached like never before.... ha... my journey today started in school, went for quality management at 9.05, the teacher came at 9.17 (i haven't told anyone i hate late teachers at all... now you know...) we did our tutorial with jin siong making fun of the teachers words, his name was mr boo king song (it really is boo king song, in short, boo ks = books) jin shouted his name and pointed to ai li... ha... and for that brief moment, one million became wang million, handphone became hangphone.... haha.... it was hilarious... after tutorial ended, i needed to leave for home (there was a lecture, but i skipped it, the fourth one since last week.... damn....

then. i went to cheers and noah told me they were doing stocktake today and shawn was having his break now, so i met up with him, then we saw ashley and darius, who had already arranged to meet up with shawn at north.... we talked till 12, then i left for home and shawn's gang went for lessons....

i went home to prepare my phone, the one above, to sell off at 250, i went through a lot to ready it for selling, the place was at commonwealth, and when i reached there, i got lost and went further away from the place i wanted to be.... when i reached the handphone shop, the bloody store owner tried to cheated me face on!! saying that he can only buy my phone at 180 when 250 was what he offered, i felt super offended, after the rain and my crocs going thr some tough terrain.... i was damn angry, and he finally offered me 200, which was still quite little, haiz.... but, i gave in, and sold the phone that stayed with me thru tough times for 200, i was a little sad you see, that was quite a good phone.... and the person made its departure seem... cheap.... i have an affinity with phones, been through a lot of terrible ones and got to know some good ones, i believe phones are god's gifts to me ( for my religion sake, it was buddha's gift.. heh heh heh....) although i was going to get a n70 soon, the departure went badly....

so, with a broken heart ( you must think i'm crazy), i left for intuition consulting to collect my cheque so i can get my n70 by today, but turns out that when i reached there, i could not collect it till tmr, and when i collect it tmr, i can only buy it on wed coz i need to bank it in.... damn...

so i ended my day with a very tired heart and a totally wet hair, i wanted to cut hair, but khai (my hairstylist) was on off today, so he couldn't attend to me.... that is another story i'll tell when i cut my hair tmr..... from tmr onwards, i have to focus on studies more, i haven't had any tests, but i don't want it to start bad...

tmr is andy's birthday, happy birthday big guy!! he celebrating at east coast, shawn and the rest have soccer tmr, i have a cheque to collect, a test to study for and insufficient energy to complete it all..... i gotta study man!! nerdify time!!!!!

P.S: saw the uncle ronnie who drove me to school everyday when i was in secondary school, turns out he knows mum for quite sometimes, we had a chat and he said he knew her since 1985, when she was still working and taking care of sis and bro at the same time, he worked with her at some jurong chemical company, and i do remember seeing her pass for some chemical company at jurong when i tried to find more of her.... she also said she stopped working when she gave birth to me, and that was her second last place of work, he told me she was a very nice lady, and if it he wasn't there at that time, i would have tears in my eyes, its good to know that people still remember her, and that she was who she was consistently, kind...

prata again?!!?!?

2006-11-26T11:42:00.000+08:00

went out with muq to prata house, met up with colin, we had a short dinner, a short chat, then headed towards junction 8, i was eager to sell my 3230, but dunno how to, today was a fairly fast day, but, i only wished the n70 would come earlier...

this is gonna be a super short post because i have to sleep early.... hahaa..

P.S: i had a dream about a space squid, giving out stars everywhere it spewed..... kinda weird huh... also another reading that i would have an encounter with water soon, lots of water.... hmm... hope its a good sign....

at home washing clothes...

2006-11-25T17:39:00.000+08:00

will make this short as i have a lot of clothes to wash, just finished my photoshoot for the portfolio, went out with shawn, noah, melvin and david last night till ard 4, we went to peninsula plaza, then walked to bugis, then walked to parklane to play pool for a few hrs, then walked to cathay lido and ended up at starbucks for a cuppa, then we went to orchard towers to see trannies (totally disgusting, i hated being near them..)

and we went to a pub with a transves lead singer (if it even is singing) and a whole lot of tranny kissing caucasians, yucks to the max.... david wanted to go in because he wanted to check out the band, i walked out after a while.... so we each took night rider ( i took taxi because i was worth a lot.... i'm not kidding.... haha..) and went home silently into my sis room and woke up in 5 hours time.... a great night, but with the wrong people ( i meant the trannies...)

back to gym basics...

2006-11-24T10:50:00.000+08:00

yest, was abt to go home when muq mentioned that he was coming to sch, so he asked if we could meet, so we er... met up, and then he told me abt a private matter, then we met up with suban (who was at gym) and saw janice and jessica, (for starters, i didn't know both janice and jessica very well..) janice was personal training suban, i think i gotta sign up for it too....

then after gym, we decided to go to this place near one of the far corners of bishan, and we had prata... that was when i realised that jess and jan is super farny.. haha.... we made some racist jokes and laughed our butts off...... hmm.. gotta know them better... jess introed me to 56 which could bring me to my doorstep, and the day ended well.... for project superstar, jeremy performed very well, sure hope he gets thru!! gonna go out with shawn later to peninsula plaza, not sure to buy what, but hope its good...

late night express post...

2006-11-23T03:08:00.000+08:00

its 3am, i'm still typing my post so i can try to fulfill my promise to blog often.... i've noticed that i've been talking a lot about meishan, but lesser about my friends... studies sort of take up most of my time, besides that was work which i had to do in a few hours time...

i still love my friends and the alleged 7 "boyfriends" of mine, jia liang, zainal, benson, xiangyao, ting han, shawn and lam.... every now and then it will rotate, but, thats roughly the roster.... ahhahahhaahaa.... oh yea.... i've also been less wild nowadays.... that was abt as wild i can get.... i think its because i'm always near meishan, so i can't really... mislead her?? haha...

but there are also times when i'm not able to be by her side, like the career talk, the friday international and finance lecture.... i really regret doing that, but its for our future together mei, i want to work and have a good savings, so we can have the most special wedding.... at marriott hotel.... (so mushy, even i'm having goosebumps...) well, better go sleep, i need to earn for the wedding at 9am later...

32 more days to christmas

2006-11-22T23:21:00.000+08:00

came back from work, so tired, but still have to complete the tutorials, been hoping that mei will explain to me the "explanation" but it didn't come out... so far, we've been seen quite often, it is quite obvious that we're together, roy felt that we were together when it was lecture time, that was not good.... plus, with the friendster acct having her photo, and more friends are being introduced to me, i had to think of a way.....

mei and i stilll wanted to go eat sushi and perhaps some hagen daaz ice cream from her workplace.... i really like hanging out with her, but this sem, things aren't going as smooth as we planned, its a little hard to focus on studies, but i can still manage to do and understand my tuts... gotta go for singing lessons on sunday morning, then maybe can go out or something.... i need a change....

i think.... i think....

2006-11-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

i think.... that, there might be some problems with our relationship, or i might have been mislead..... today was soccer day, i was supposed to "guard" the bags, it rained and i had moved the bags to a safer place before the rain fell..... then shawn, benson, zainal and ashley were doing their tutorials (surprise surprise!!)

i msged mei asking if it was true that there wasn't a lab session tmr, coz i heard it from lester, then she replied that it was true, then she apologised for today, (which i wonder why), so i asked why say sorry, and she said she just has to, saying that she feels so stuck sometimes, and that she would be explaining it to me tmr, she said that it was not me stucking too close to her, then i started to think of a lot of other reasons, because today we had international biz module, all the online students were grouped together, initially i wanted to be in her group, but i was told by the lecturer to be with the online students.... i was initially pissed, but hey, thats over... i have a feeling she was talking about that, but i can only wait for tmr... we'll see how.... sleeping with a probing mind.... so worried...

new phone!! finally..

2006-11-20T15:23:00.000+08:00

today is another day of work, the atmosphere is not that good here as i've been told we wil have a briefing on how the performance has been for the past two weeks, a lot of tougher work, my eyes still hurt.... i really need a break... haha... maybe somewhere with mei and i, just the two of us..... i'm also thinking of changing my phone.. the 3230 change to n70, seems like a good choice...

oh yea... just been informed by upfront, they need to update my portfolio, so... there will be photoshoots coming up soon, stay tuned...